The souk (pronounced “shook”) is a facet of the Middle Eastern city. From these open-air markets one may purchase all the wealth of the land: fruits and teas, cloth and spices, and a limitless supply of useless crap. Tourist tchotchkes, the same asinine t-shirts one finds in every global destination (“I Don’t Need Google: My Husband Is Always Right”), and beautiful, overpriced indigenous crafts.
Let’s say you, like me, are a terrible child and you’re not buying souvenirs for your family. First, shame on you. Second, sorry Mom. Anyway, you’re in the souk for the essentials: food, because you can get it here for the best price, and supplies, because you broke another fucking flip flop and you’re ready to haggle. In order to get the goods you need, however, you’re going to have to navigate a maze of people who want to sell you stuff. Fortunately, I spent the last two years of my life selling stuff (alcohol); I know what kind of salespeople are out there, and I know how to refuse every single one of them.
Without further ado, how to say no and be mean. Take notes.
There are five kinds of salespeople to watch out for: the Flatterer, the Liar, the Botherer, the Aggressor, and the Pathetic One. Each targets a different weakness in the would-be consumer, but with the right approach, all can be negotiated with or avoided. Are you taking notes? Here we go.
“How are we supposed to get this back to Colorado?” the young woman asked her boyfriend. He had a painted bowl in one hand and a dazed look on his face.
“I don’t know,” he said.
“Why did you buy it?”
“I…” he paused. “I don’t know.”
I know why he bought it, because I was watching (I’m creepy like that). This poor sucker fell right into the trap of the Flatterer, the saleswoman who makes you feel so good about yourself and your taste in tableware (a taste which she’s created), that you forget to ask the important questions: “Can I get this for less?” and “Do I really need a bowl that says ‘Welcome to Jerusalem’?”
Beware anyone who opens a conversation with a compliment. No, you don’t look like a man with an appetite for the finer things in life. You look like a sucker. If you want to best the Flatterer, ignore the compliments. Let your mother tell you those evil eye earrings look nice on you; she’s the only one who believes it.
Phrases like “One of a kind,” “Incredible bargain,” and “Just for you” should be dismissed offhand. That pair of sandals was not knit by an indigenous artist with a learning disability who only works with eco-friendly hemp, these pipes are not suddenly worth half the asking price because you happen to be the one asking, and if it doesn’t smell like a dead cow, it ain’t real leather. You are being lied to.
The Liar will tell you whatever opens your wallet. The only way to evade his ploys is to remain skeptical of any and all claims in the souk. If you can’t verify it with your own eyes, nose, hands, or mouth, don’t let your ears convince you it’s true. Real indigenous crafts don’t have a Made in China sticker, real Beats by Dre aren’t spelled like the vegetable, and real saffron is really fucking expensive.
Politeness dictates that telling people to piss off is bad form because it hurts their feelings. Fuck politeness. True, good products don’t always speak for themselves and an unknown product needs a good spokesperson. But if a spokesperson won’t shut the fuck up, chances are their product’s not so good. If you’re like me and need a lot of energy for social interaction, the Botherer will sap you rapidly. I’ve seen us poor introverts get so overstimulated that we’ll buy overpriced crap we don’t want just to end the conversation (and nine years later, that stupid Arabian dagger is still gathering dust on my bookshelf).
My usual solution for people who say anything more than twice is to walk away. In the souk, this is a win-win move, since you’ll either A) exit the negotation or B) be chased after by the saleswoman, now offering you the same product for a third of the price.
If someone screams at you, thrusts something in your hand and refuses to take it back, or spits on you, that is not okay. Do not deal with the Aggressor. He is the scum of humanity. If you accidentally took the thing he put in your hands, set it on the nearest surface and walk the fuck away. And if you get spit on (I’ve seen it happen), don’t panic—it comes out in the wash.
“Would you like to see my shop?”
“No, sorry.”
“Please?”
Ouch. The Pathetic One gets you right in the heartstrings. It’s the way they say please—that small, sad please. Those big, sad eyes. Breaks my heart to even write about it. But here’s the thing: your pursestrings should not be connected to your heartstrings. You’re not buying soap because the woman who sells it has successfully manipulated you into feeling sorry for her; you’re buying soap because you smell bad (and if you’re backpacking, because you smell really bad).
The key to dealing with the Pathetic One is to realize that her act is rehearsed. You are not the first person today to receive that heart-wrenching “please.” You are probably not the 100th. If you’re going to do business, do it because you want what she’s selling—don’t do it to feel charitable. If you want to feel charitable, give to charity.
There you have them: the Pathetic One, the Aggressor, the Botherer, the Liar, and the Flatterer. Of course, one salesperson can turn on any or all of these personalities as they try to work out your weakness. The souk is a tremendously fun place to hang out and shop, and if you’re smart you can get a better deal here than anywhere else in the world. But be aware of the kinds of salespeople and the emotions they play to, and try to make rational economic decisions. Not because you’re blushing, duped, flustered, intimidated, or sorry, but because you want that headscarf, that lighter, those throwing knives, and you’ve done everything in your power to get the price as low as possible.
And how do you that, you ask? A lesson for another day.
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