They’ve started putting safety videos on buses now. As if A) anyone would watch a safety video on a bus, and B) anything would be different if they did. I refuse to wear a seatbelt on a bus — it’s a matter of principle, or at least a matter of habit.
When I took the cheese bus to grade school, not only would we not wear seatbelts — we’d spend the entire ride kicking the shit out of each other. When Toderick, our chain-smoking, ex-con, bus driver, hit the pothole on the bridge over the Gowanus, kids would crash into the ceiling. When you’re nine years old and poor, this is better than Six Flags.
Toderick never told us to wear our seatbelts. Toderick never told us anything, other than occasionally to “Shut the fuck-hell up!” The last day of school, I bought him a pack of Skittles — my way of saying thanks for the good times, thanks for not getting us all killed.
I’m fully aware of the foolishness of not wearing one’s seatbelt, but I’m also entirely confident that this massive bus will emerge the victor in a collision with nearly any other vehicle. Besides, there’s nothing to worry about, because — as the man in the safety video (which I watched) proudly informed me — Peter Pan buses have the best safety record of all the buses on the road. Must be those safety videos.
Anyway, I’m on vacation. Nothing bad ever happens when I’m on vacation.
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